Inspiration or Desperation?

In the LDS Church, we sometimes joke about callings to positions being callings of "desperation" instead of inspiration. For me, it has always been just that--a joke, that is, until a couple of weeks ago. Now I wonder if desperation sometimes fits into callings. I say this because I was called to be the ward organist a few weeks ago.

Many people will think, "So what is the big deal?" I will tell you what the big deal is. I play, sort of, the piano--not the organ. Oh, I have played around a little on the organ and filled in playing prelude at the temple when someone doesn't show up (I get to choose the easy songs and play at the speed I am comfortable with--S-L-O-W). But, I do not play the organ. I do not know about the stops, I do not know about the foot pedals, I do not know the intricacies of fingering the keyboard, and the other nuances of playing the organ are unknown to me.

It isn't just the organ playing, it is performing music of any type with an audience that is part of the problem. For over 40 years I have played the piano or violin. And according to my recollections, for most of those 40 years I have NEVER, NEVER, NEVER enjoyed playing in public. Especially solo! My knees shake. My fingers shake. My insides vibrate with fear and anxiety. My heart races. My mind goes blank. The music that I practiced endlessly suddenly is foreign to my fingertips. Rappelling down a cliff invokes less anxiety than playing an instrument in public. I don't even play them in my own home unless I am the only one to hear it. So now, every week I am asked to play an instrument I am unlearned with in church. Playing music everyone is familiar with, so I can't even fake it when I make a mistake (and the mistakes happen all too often).

The sad part is that this "opportunity" could very easily cause me to be inactive--not to lose my testimony, but to avoid going to church. After completely humiliating myself during sacrament meeting, I would rather poke my eye out with a sharp instrument than stay and face the members of the congregation. No, they are not mean to me or anything like that. I am just too embarrassed to stick around. Last week I forced myself to stay for Sunday School class, then left because I could not control my tears of shame any longer. This week I made the excuse of going to "support my husband" in his responsibilities in another ward--just so I could leave my own ward.

I understand inspired callings help us grow, develop talents and testimony, serve others, and demonstrate our devotion and commitment to the Lord. There have been many times when the Lord has guided me in difficult callings that I knew were inspired. I knew there was a purpose for the calling. But, this one will either cause people to quit singing in church and drive away the sweet spirit music is intended to bring, or will cause me torment and frustration that will permanently damage my already fragile self-image. Can that really be good for anyone?