LOST or Faith is Absent when Fear is Present

A few weeks ago I decided to go cross-country skiing on my way home from working in Manila. There is a place that I have gone skiing at before and thought I would go there. It is easy to get to, not far from the highway, has a good place to park the car, I have cell phone coverage most of the time, and it is an easy ski. It was fairly early in the afternoon so I had a couple of hours before dusk and the drop of temperatures.

After putting on the equipment, I took off down this graded logging road to get to the open valley.

Snowmobilers had been there in the past several days, so I followed their tracks. It is easier because the snow is packed down somewhat and you don't have to break a new trail.It was a beautiful day and I needed time to get a way and think. I skied close to the trees and spent lots of time pondering the issues and decisions I have been concerned with, and just enjoying the beauty around me. It was so peaceful, cold, but peaceful and something I really needed at the time. After skiing a while, I checked the time and decided I had a few more minutes before it was time to turn back. A tree in the distance was my mark to turn around. A few minutes later I reached the tree and turned back.

The sun position had changed and the shadows were a little longer than before so I moved out into the valley where there wasn't as much shade. Again, I just skied and enjoyed being out and away. Some time passed by. I wondered why I hadn't seen the logging road that would take me to my car. Looking at my watch, I decided it had probably just taken a little longer to ski back, so I continued on thinking the road would be right ahead of me.

Well, the road wasn't ahead of me, in fact, I didn't know where it was. There was no way, I thought, that I could have missed the road so I kept on skiing. The shadows were getting longer and the valley was mostly in shade. Temperatures were beginning to dip a little. I called Mike and told him where I was and that it would be a little later than expected before I would get home. Still looking for the road, I could not see it anywhere. I skied back to the north and up on a little knoll hoping to locate the trail I needed to take. It was nowhere to be seen, and it was getting harder to pick things out. I called Mike again, and let him know what the situation was.

Since I could hear the cars on the main highway to the west of me, Mike suggested I just ski towards the road, then hike back to the car. It seemed reasonable, after all, the highway was only half to two-thirds a mile to the west. So, off I went. What a mistake! It was clear for a while, the snow was deep, but not too bad. Then a wall of trees appeared before me. I mean a literal wall! The pine trees were only two to three feet apart and difficult, if not impossible to maneuver around. The skis would sink and I would be in snow to my knees or higher. Finally I decided to take the skis off and try to hike. Not a good choice either. I sank into the snow up to my upper thighs and my feet would get caught on the rocks and fallen debris under the snow. Several times my ankles twisted and I would fall. I was getting covered in snow and getting cold.

I put my skis back on and tried again, to no avail. Not only could I not navigate the skis, but I was having to meander through the trees to even find a way through them. Frustrated, and scared, I realized that if anything happened to me in the trees, no one would know where to look for me. Turning toward the valley, I made my way back to open space and cell phone service.

The sun had gone down, and the full moon was up. Stars were beginning to appear in the skies, and I was very scared at this point. I called Mike again and told him that I couldn't make it to the highway and really did not know if the access road was to the north or south of me. Fear was interfering with my ability to be coherent and make rational decisions. Nothing looked familiar in the moonlight and I didn't know which way to go. I turned to prayer, but again, fear got in the way of me following the promptings to head north. For several yards I would ski north, but then doubt that decision and backtrack to the south. It was cold. It was dark. I continued the pattern of ski north, doubt, turn around and go south. Mike said he was on his way.

Later, after several phone calls to check up on me, Mike called and said he was at my car and that our son-in-law and his father were on their way with snowmobiles. Could I hear the car horn honking? No. Could I hear the whistle? No. Keep skiing north. OK--but, again I would doubt. During one of the phone calls I dropped a glove and didn't realize it until I reached to put it back on. My hands were very cold and I needed the glove, so I backtracked once again, this time to locate my glove.

I moved closer to the trees as I headed towards north. Maybe I had been too far out in the valley and really did miss the access road. I wasn't even skiing at this point, just trudging along wondering which direction I really should be going. Then I heard it! The wonderful sounds of snowmobiles starting up. Mike called and asked if I could hear them. YES!!! I could! They were to the northwest of me (I thought--again, I doubted because maybe the sounds were just echoing in the valley). I kept trudging, and then a wonderful sight! Lights coming through the trees!

What relief, and at the same time frustration. I was only 150 to 200 yards south of the access road! If I had just kept heading north instead of backtracking, I would have been to the road! (Later I went back and clocked approximately how far I had skied past the road--about 2 1/2 miles.) Josh and his dad drove up to me then pulled my skis and gloves off. Josh put warm gloves on me, a hat, helmet, and goggles. He put me on the snowmobile behind him and drove me to the car. Jim, Josh's dad, carried my skis and poles.

In their snowmobile trailer I stood in front of the propane heater, warmed up, and cried. I was so grateful, so embarrassed, so frustrated with myself, and so scared. I shook uncontrollably, but I was safe.

Looking back, I realize I missed the road because I wasn't paying close enough attention and because by skiing away from the trees and in the valley, my view of the road was obstructed. I also realize that Heavenly Father was answering my prayers--He was prompting me to go north to find the road, but I had let my tremendous fear get in the way of having the faith to follow those promptings. So many lessons learned, but the one foremost in my mind was the lesson that "Where there is fear, faith is absent."

What an embarrassing and frustrating event. Nearly five hours after beginning my little ski, I was brought to my car and headed for home. I am grateful to be here, for family who came to the rescue of a middle-aged lady who is losing her mind, and for the very real reminder of the role of faith in following promptings from the Lord.

Projects and Fun

Heidi called one day and asked if she and the kids could come and spend Saturday with us. She had some projects to work on and Deegan wanted to play with Poppa. Of course, if we are home, they are welcome to come at any time! (I guess they could come if we weren't home, but that wouldn't be much fun for us.)

Heidi has wanted to learn how to crochet little hats, headbands, and flowers. Oma showed Heidi the basics of crocheting, but Heidi wanted to know how to read the instructions that seem to be written in a secret code. We printed some easy patterns off the internet, (I didn't know if I could interpret anything harder than that) and she went to work. While Heidi crocheted, I put a zipper in a skirt she started several months ago.

Cute little Sy in a headband and flower that Heidi made. The headband was a little big, so creative Heidi threaded some ribbon through it, pulled the ribbon so the headband fit, and tied the ribbon into a bow. It turned out really cute! Not bad for her first attempt.

Poppa and Deegan ready to play in the snow on the four-wheeler. They plowed walks and drives, fed the cows, checked on the horses, and I am sure spun a donut or two in the process!

Even Sy loves those freshly picked Arizona oranges!

Heidi bought this truck that opens up into a race-track for mini cars. After buying it, she decided it wouldn't last very long at her house because the toy really wasn't very kid-proof. I bought it from her and it will be a toy at Nonna's house. This is the first time Deegan had seen it.

Heidi and Poppa helped Deegan apply the stickers, put the wheels on, and do all that other stuff to make it ready for play. Of course, now this is a favorite toy for both Deegan and Roux! Thanks Heidi for changing your mind about keeping it!

Christmas at the Phoenix Zoo

Vi went off to work and we were left to "Roux-sit." Oh, happy day! The main event for the day was a trip to the Phoenix Zoo. Who could have asked for a better day? The sun was out and the temperature pleasant. Roux was was on his best behavior and as curious and active as any two-and-a-half year old could be. We saw everything except for one exhibit. We visited the lions, tigers, elephants, camels, monkeys, zebras, birds, reptiles, giraffes--you name it, we saw it. They had a special exhibit of rays (don't remember what kind) where you could go in and pet the rays that were swimming around in this big pool. Of course, Poppa had to take Roux in there as well.

Sculptures of different animals were all around the zoo, and we had to stop and play/climb on them.

Poppa and Roux on the elephants--Roux focused on the "baby" animals. If the animal was small or resembled a baby in any manner, Roux would point and tell us about the "baby whatever."

I love this picture of Poppa and Roux walking down one of the paths at the zoo.

Time for a quick rest and a snack.

The first thing we saw upon entering the zoo was the carousel. Of course, Roux wanted to ride on it. The promise was that we would ride it after visiting the other animals. Roux wanted to ride the shark, but when he saw the cheetah that is what he chose. Around and around we went. Most of the time he was laughing and talking--it was just hard to get a good picture as we circled around.

Nearly five and a half hours later, we loaded into the car. Roux was asleep before we got out of the parking lot.

What a fun day for us! I don't know how long he will remember it, but it will be one of our fond memories of time spent with one of our grandchildren.

We spent time with my parents, went to dinner, picked fresh oranges, went to the park, and countless other little things over the course of the week. The hardest part was saying good-bye, but that is always the case.

Christmas Vacation in Phoenix

The day after Christmas Mike and I packed up the car and drove to warm, sunny Phoenix so we could spend time with Vi and her son, Roux. A bonus, for me anyway, was that my parents would be there for a couple of the days as well. What fun to show "unconditional love" (spoil) our little Roux. After having him, and Vi, in our home for a year it has been hard to be separated from them.

Nonna and Roux--I have no idea what we were doing here except for making funny faces at each other!

Poppa always had a special knack for getting Roux to sleep. I don't know how many nights Roux has slept just like this. (I do have to admit, it is a rather comforting spot to be.)

Sunday night we went to the Mesa Temple to see the lights. Vi and Roux are somewhat bundled, other visitors were in heavy winter gear, and Mike and I were enjoying the balmy evening. The lights were beautiful and Roux kept going from one thing to another. Later in the week Mike and I went through a session in the temple. It was the first time we were able to attend a session together in the Mesa Temple. Even when we were married there 23 years ago, we didn't go through a session. It was quite special to be there again with my sweetheart.

Balloons and Texas Roadhouse

Reading books together is always on the agenda--especially when they are Poppa's horse magazines!

Christmas Day

Christmas without little kids in the house is kind of boring. No bright little faces at the bedside asking if it's time to open presents yet, none of the excitement of Santa Clause, the frenzy of ripping and playing with the paper and boxes instead of the toys is absent, and the joyful squeals of delight are silent. It is just different.

Mikie and Lars were the only ones around on Christmas morning. We slept in, opened the few presents under the tree, and had the "traditional Bramwell Christmas breakfast."

Mikie

Lars

You can see how excitement overflowed as we opened presents. It was nice--I think we enjoyed the gifts both given and received and the time spent together. It is just "different."

Christmas evening we went to Heidi's in-laws (Jim and Julie) for dinner. They are so sweet and make it a point to include us in their family gatherings. I think Jim and Julie feel sorry for us being way out here away from our families. We are beginning to feel like the adopted family, and couldn't ask for a better one to take us in.

Christmas Eve

Originally I thought Christmas Eve would be limited to just Mike and I. As it got closer, the kids mentioned they would like to be together for part of the day. So, the ham came out of the freezer, the menu planned, the food prepared, and the fun times began. We didn't want to travel anywhere to play in the snow, so we just played in the small pasture next to the house. That way people could go in if it got too cold, or if they needed to use the bathroom.

Mikie (our cowboy) and Deegan being pulled on the sled by a four-wheeler.

Never thought I would see prep-skater-boarder Lars riding a farm four-wheeler. It is amazing what we do for nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc. Go Lars!

Lars had to take his turn on the sled. Lucky Deegan was with him otherwise I think Mikie (driver) would have really taken Lars for a ride!

Sy had to be part of the activities as well--after all, it was her first Christmas! Heidi and Deegan piled on the sled for a nice, mellow ride. Sy seemed to like it!

Nonna and Deegan. Deegan wanted to try "surfing" on the sled, so he stood up and gave it a whirl. He didn't do too badly, until we hit the rough spots.

After one wipe out, Deegan was not sure about this snow stuff. Sweet Uncle Mike soothed the tears away when he brought out his snowmobile and took Deegan for a short ride.

After the snow, hot chocolate was waiting inside. After all--you can't survive playing in the snow without a mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows!

CRAP!

There is a long story behind this Christmas greeting! This past summer my parents and my brothers and sister and families traveled to Arkansas for a family reunion to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. Because we spent lots of time at the lake while growing up, it was natural that we would spend time at the lake during the reunion.

While most of the adults were out taking our turn with the boat, my mom proceeded to gather the grandkids around (mostly the teens) and give them a discourse on the word "crap" and why it is inappropriate to use. The results were not in line with Mom's plan--the word ended up being used more than ever with more creative uses than she could imagine.

So for Christmas Mike and I sent out Crappy Christmas greetings to the family. (The bag is really filled with malted milk balls and milk duds.)

We really do wish everyone a year filled with less "crap" and more joy!